Cartoon Cocks
Emoticock

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I had a really horrible day and was all sad and my friend, who was on holiday, sent me this beach cock to cheer me up. It worked. Please bear it in mind for future confidence wobbles.

Category: Beach cock

Medium: hand drawn on sand

Balls: Yes

Hair: No

Spunk: No

Helmet: Yes (severe)

It’s just lovely, isn’t it? Even without the backstory which wasn’t provided in an X-Factor-dead-grandmother-watching-from-heaven fashion to make you think something is actually better than it is.

Crisp, clean lines are the name of the game with this wang. The helmet and Japs eye are severe yet they work in tandem to provide subtle contrast to the softness of the balls and the rigidity of the shaft. Overall, it just works, like all cocks should.

Cock rating: 9/10, gently nudging towards perfection like a persuasive morning erection against your thigh.

Sender elaborates: Sainsbury’s carpark. No idea what was used to create it.
Category: TBC
Medium: No idea
Balls: Yes
Hair: No
Spunk: Yes, probably. Or some sort of Japs Eye growth that it’s best not to dwell on.
Helmet: Yes
There’s very little that can be said about this somewhat slapdash wang. It has little in terms of artistic merit other, of course, than its extreme size. 
Poorly executed and lacking appeal, this cock is nonetheless a talking point. Like, say, a Damian Hurst.
Cock rating: 2/10. Pah.

Sender elaborates: Sainsbury’s carpark. No idea what was used to create it.

Category: TBC

Medium: No idea

Balls: Yes

Hair: No

Spunk: Yes, probably. Or some sort of Japs Eye growth that it’s best not to dwell on.

Helmet: Yes

There’s very little that can be said about this somewhat slapdash wang. It has little in terms of artistic merit other, of course, than its extreme size. 

Poorly executed and lacking appeal, this cock is nonetheless a talking point. Like, say, a Damian Hurst.

Cock rating: 2/10. Pah.

Sender elaboorates: Found just meters away from the inverted cock on the shed by the stream round the back of Homebase. I think it might be pointing at something. There’s a lovely swans nest just a little way along, if you like that sort of thing.
Category: Graffiti
Medium: Paint on ground
Balls: Yes
Hair: No
Spunk: No
Helmet: Yes
Visitors to the ancient city of Pompeii will be aware of the many carved phalluses on the ground. They can be found on most main thoroughfares and they served the purpose of directing visitors to the many brothels of the town. Maybe this cock is a tribute to those ancient sex-tourists? Maybe it points at one of Maidenhead’s brothels? Could it point at the station, where Maidenhead’s thousands of commuters head off to whore themselves out in the city?
As with so many cartoon phalluses, the motivation is unclear. The execution of this wang is nothing special but ground dicks are a rare species and one has to approve of the effort involved in squatting down to create such art, even if the end result is distinctly average.
Cock rating: 6/10 

Sender elaboorates: Found just meters away from the inverted cock on the shed by the stream round the back of Homebase. I think it might be pointing at something. There’s a lovely swans nest just a little way along, if you like that sort of thing.

Category: Graffiti

Medium: Paint on ground

Balls: Yes

Hair: No

Spunk: No

Helmet: Yes

Visitors to the ancient city of Pompeii will be aware of the many carved phalluses on the ground. They can be found on most main thoroughfares and they served the purpose of directing visitors to the many brothels of the town. Maybe this cock is a tribute to those ancient sex-tourists? Maybe it points at one of Maidenhead’s brothels? Could it point at the station, where Maidenhead’s thousands of commuters head off to whore themselves out in the city?

As with so many cartoon phalluses, the motivation is unclear. The execution of this wang is nothing special but ground dicks are a rare species and one has to approve of the effort involved in squatting down to create such art, even if the end result is distinctly average.

Cock rating: 6/10 

Sender elaborates: Taken round the back of the art shop in Maidenhead (or close by). Maidenhead has a thing for inverted cocks.
Category: Graffiti
Medium: Permanent marker on wall
Balls: Yes
Hair: No
Spunk: Yes (possibly urine)
Helmet: Yes
We see a large number of cartoon phalluses but we rarely see one with direction. This wang is crude at best, the colour is jarring and the dribbling liquid which we automatically assume to be spunk could even be urine. However it is dribbling said liquid on to YOU.
It is the confrontational “YOU” under the spunk/urine which makes this willy so unique. There’s no room left for doubt as to the dick’s direction. The viewer is immediately told that the spunk/urine is for them. Their treat or their punishment. 
We believe that the inverted nature of the wang really reinforces the destination of the semen/urine. In many ways, the fact that this is a downward pointing, rather than an obviously erect, phallus is a secondary consideration. It is a matter of aesthetic, not a hidden message and must not distract from the piece itself.
Powerful stuff, although the artist must improve their technique.
Cock rating: 6/10 Rousing.

Sender elaborates: Taken round the back of the art shop in Maidenhead (or close by). Maidenhead has a thing for inverted cocks.

Category: Graffiti

Medium: Permanent marker on wall

Balls: Yes

Hair: No

Spunk: Yes (possibly urine)

Helmet: Yes

We see a large number of cartoon phalluses but we rarely see one with direction. This wang is crude at best, the colour is jarring and the dribbling liquid which we automatically assume to be spunk could even be urine. However it is dribbling said liquid on to YOU.

It is the confrontational “YOU” under the spunk/urine which makes this willy so unique. There’s no room left for doubt as to the dick’s direction. The viewer is immediately told that the spunk/urine is for them. Their treat or their punishment. 

We believe that the inverted nature of the wang really reinforces the destination of the semen/urine. In many ways, the fact that this is a downward pointing, rather than an obviously erect, phallus is a secondary consideration. It is a matter of aesthetic, not a hidden message and must not distract from the piece itself.

Powerful stuff, although the artist must improve their technique.

Cock rating: 6/10 Rousing.

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Category: Graffiti

Medium: Permanent marker on street sign

Balls: Yes

Hair: No

Spunk: No

Helmet: Yes

This is unequivocally the best cartoon phallus that has ever appeared in the town of Maidenhead. The jaunty angle, the little half smile of the bellend, the very casualness of this cock, they all add up to something so simple and yet so profoundly perfect.

It’s the Mona Lisa of cartoon cocks.

Cock rating: 10/10 Aspirational

Sender elaborates: On the side of a tree in Alexandra park in Windsor. 
Category: Graffiti
Medium: Permanent marker on tree
Balls: Yes
Hair: Yes
Spunk: No
Helmet: Yes
It just looks a bit dirty and dejected and, after seeing it, so do we.
Cock rating: 2/10 Dismal

Sender elaborates: On the side of a tree in Alexandra park in Windsor. 

Category: Graffiti

Medium: Permanent marker on tree

Balls: Yes

Hair: Yes

Spunk: No

Helmet: Yes

It just looks a bit dirty and dejected and, after seeing it, so do we.

Cock rating: 2/10 Dismal

Sender elaborates: Up a tree! Possibly an ancient cartoon cock.
Category: Engraving
Medium: Unknown tool, tree carving
Balls: Yes
Hair: Yes
Spunk: Yes
Helmet: Yes
In many ways, this cock only stands out because of the materials with which it was created. This cock on anything other than a tree could seem mediocre and yet, carved so lovingly into the trunk of Mother Nature’s bounty, this cock becomes something very different. It puts one in mind of ancient fertility symbols, of a world so close in time and yet so far in spirit. One can imagine white dressed virgins with flowers in their hair, worshipping at this erect wonder. Go on, imagine it. Now get back to work you day-dreaming hippy.
Cock rating: 7/10 Because this reminds us of the beauty of nature

Sender elaborates: Up a tree! Possibly an ancient cartoon cock.

Category: Engraving

Medium: Unknown tool, tree carving

Balls: Yes

Hair: Yes

Spunk: Yes

Helmet: Yes

In many ways, this cock only stands out because of the materials with which it was created. This cock on anything other than a tree could seem mediocre and yet, carved so lovingly into the trunk of Mother Nature’s bounty, this cock becomes something very different. It puts one in mind of ancient fertility symbols, of a world so close in time and yet so far in spirit. One can imagine white dressed virgins with flowers in their hair, worshipping at this erect wonder. Go on, imagine it. Now get back to work you day-dreaming hippy.

Cock rating: 7/10 Because this reminds us of the beauty of nature

Sender elaborates: Cartoon wang gracefully scratched in the ice on the window of a taxi.
Category: Ice willy
Medium: Finger on frost
Balls: Yes
Hair: Yes
Spunk: No
Helmet: Yes
One has to admire the opportunist wang scribbler. On his or her way to the office, perhaps pondering what savoury snack to choose from the vending machine when… HELLO! frosty car window! Our wang scribbler looks left and right down the street, takes a deep breath and then gets to work. Perhaps the finger is gloved, perhaps the gloves are removed to better feel the creation. Within seconds, the shaft has taken shape. Then the balls and the helmet, lovingly rendered in the coldest of conditions. Our artist steps back, then forward again to add spiky hair to the balls, perhaps thinking of how the cold day might effect hair on balls. And then. And then. In a fit of pique, our artist scratches a line through the cock, effectively emasculating their creation. One can only imagine the tortured genius, slashing at the cock, in anger, in passion? We may never know. They probably chose Mini Cheddars, though. Mini Cheddars are ace.
Cock rating: 8/10 

Sender elaborates: Cartoon wang gracefully scratched in the ice on the window of a taxi.

Category: Ice willy

Medium: Finger on frost

Balls: Yes

Hair: Yes

Spunk: No

Helmet: Yes

One has to admire the opportunist wang scribbler. On his or her way to the office, perhaps pondering what savoury snack to choose from the vending machine when… HELLO! frosty car window! Our wang scribbler looks left and right down the street, takes a deep breath and then gets to work. Perhaps the finger is gloved, perhaps the gloves are removed to better feel the creation. Within seconds, the shaft has taken shape. Then the balls and the helmet, lovingly rendered in the coldest of conditions. Our artist steps back, then forward again to add spiky hair to the balls, perhaps thinking of how the cold day might effect hair on balls. And then. And then. In a fit of pique, our artist scratches a line through the cock, effectively emasculating their creation. One can only imagine the tortured genius, slashing at the cock, in anger, in passion? We may never know. They probably chose Mini Cheddars, though. Mini Cheddars are ace.

Cock rating: 8/10 

Sender elaborates: Smeary cock on the side of Sainsbury’s Maidenhead. I didn’t stop to investigate what substance has been used to create it, I hope it’s toothpaste.
Category: Medium unknown, supermarket
Balls: Yes
Hair: No
Spunk: No
Helmet: No
No. I’m sorry, but no. No panache, no style. Penis artists: if you can’t be bothered then neither can we.
Cock rating: 1/10 Poor

Sender elaborates: Smeary cock on the side of Sainsbury’s Maidenhead. I didn’t stop to investigate what substance has been used to create it, I hope it’s toothpaste.

Category: Medium unknown, supermarket

Balls: Yes

Hair: No

Spunk: No

Helmet: No

No. I’m sorry, but no. No panache, no style. Penis artists: if you can’t be bothered then neither can we.

Cock rating: 1/10 Poor

Category: Graffiti (subway)
Balls: Yes
Hair: No
Spunk: No
Helmet: Yes
Given its location in a busy subway, the creator of this piece could reasonably have been pushed for time before the filth arrived. However, in our view, that is no excuse for such a slapdash cock and shows a lack of commitment and imagination on the part of the artist.
We don’t usually go in for scathing reviews of cocks and we love simplicity, but this! Is it even a cock? It could be a sad duck. No effort has been made to make a statement with the cock, assuming that it is one. 
Artists: If you’re pushed for time with your centrally located cock, why not make a stencil before setting out? Preparing in advance allows one to produce a high standard cock with minimum fuss and to be in and out before anyone notices. 
Frankly, we’re not even convinced that this artist has ever even seen a penis.
Cock rating: 3/10 (points awarded for a daring location, only)

Category: Graffiti (subway)

Balls: Yes

Hair: No

Spunk: No

Helmet: Yes

Given its location in a busy subway, the creator of this piece could reasonably have been pushed for time before the filth arrived. However, in our view, that is no excuse for such a slapdash cock and shows a lack of commitment and imagination on the part of the artist.

We don’t usually go in for scathing reviews of cocks and we love simplicity, but this! Is it even a cock? It could be a sad duck. No effort has been made to make a statement with the cock, assuming that it is one.

Artists: If you’re pushed for time with your centrally located cock, why not make a stencil before setting out? Preparing in advance allows one to produce a high standard cock with minimum fuss and to be in and out before anyone notices.

Frankly, we’re not even convinced that this artist has ever even seen a penis.

Cock rating: 3/10 (points awarded for a daring location, only)